***Note*** To everybody name dropped in this blog post...I have said far worse to all of you and ya'll still love me...So take this with a grain of salt...PLEASE!
Sunday Feb. 20, 2011. A grisly afternoon of debauchery and inebriation the likes of which the city of Tampa had never before witnessed and shall likely never witness again.
The players. The Crazed Fanboys and The DOB's. Two clans of rival blog posters and 1,100 casualties caught in the crossfire.
This is my personal account of that day....
The morning started off simple enough. I awoke in the loving arms of a hung over beauty in a strange apartment in a strange part of town. As usual I quietly slung on my duds from the previous evening and slid a morning afterpill with a $20 bill next to her alarm clock on the nightstand with a note that read "thanks for the memories, babe". Then vanished forever into the ether of her imagination.
By the time I arrived home it was time to meet up with Chris Woods for a trip over to the Tampa Toy and Comic Con held at the now infamous Double Tree Hotel. If only we had known in advance the anarchy that awaited us.
Upon arrival we were immediatly greeted by a couple of suspicious charectors. Jason "The Shark" (who wears a T-shirt with a Jaws poster on the front as a deterent to any enemies who may try to get wise with him) and Laughin Lonnie (who never smiles, until its too late...For you!). They boasted to Chris and I about a stomp down they gave to a DOB member outside before chopping off his weiner, shoving it in his mouth and stuffing him in a dumpster. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little scared at this point and nearly wet myself. These are the types of guys that "dont fuck around" if you catch my drift.
The cool thing is the doorman was so terrified by the prescience of Crazed Fanboy members that he let us all in for free and told us, "the real show is upstairs in room 312, exclusive for VIP's such as you gentlemen". I don't know what was up there but one can imagine. These guys dont do anything unless it is in excess, it would have been instant death for that door man had a visit to room 312 been a disappointment.
We roamed the room for a few minutes before Chris spotted none other then Terence "The Tez Bomb" Nuzum, his current 'ol lady and none other then the don himself, Crazed Fanboy leader Nolan Canova. He doesn't have a nickname because his being is already so much larger then life that nobody dare offend by saying anything that may underwhelm his greatness. At this point I noticed Terence "The Tez Bomb" Nuzum shoveling novelty items into his pockets while his 'ol lady distracted the dealers. A terrible two-some if ever there were I tell ya what. Canova sat in the distance smiling with approval.
We made our way over towards the back of the room to exchange pleasantries with Canova, Nuzum and the 'ol lady. At this point I knew I was in over my head. Being a former Crazed Fanboy myself I knew their was a target on my back. Thankfully there are two ways of getting back into the good graces of this crew. Either kiss the ring or get the shit kicked out of you and have that ring shoved up your asshole. Scared to death, knees trembling I was in motion to lean down and kiss the ring. But just as I had started to move a choir of screams sucked the oxygen from the room (and the color from my skin I was so damn scared!).
Thirsty for vengeance over the savage death of a fellow colleague, DOB members including none other then Rob the "Bacteria Man" notorious for his vast knowledge of lethal pathogens and the HBIC Brandon "The Branjo" who's skill for playing his victims like a banjo is the subject of many a legendary story stormed the room with a small army of samarai sword weilding assassins.
It's difficult to explain what happend next, much of it is still a blur. What I could see through the sprays of blood and flying limbs was very little at best. I flipped over a table of bootleg hentai DVD's for protection from the chaos at hand. To the left of me was a bloodied severed head, probably a dealer, some poor son of a bitch trying to peddle a few comics to make extra cash to put food on his families table, a senseless tragedy. To the right, was none other then Laughin Lonnie, with a big bloodied smile on his face, gnarling the eyeball out of some poor saps face!
All I could hear was a bunch of back and fourth shouting over page hits and the content of computer cookies. Things were getting nuts.
As I cautiously peaked my head over the table I noticed the absense of Chris Woods from the brawl. At first I was concerned that he was possibly a casualty of the live-action blog madness at hand. Little did I know that Chris Woods has been living a lie this whole time.
Come to find out Chris Woods was none other then a android from the future sent back in time as a weapon to once and for all finish off first generation DOB members before they grew strong in numbers to overtake page hits from the Crazed Fanboys. Outside of the building his conservative looking Ford Explorer was quickly making its way towards the entrance of the building, where it would transform along with Chris into a gigantic steal fire breathing Tyranasaurus Rex. My mind was officially blown.
Things would only get nuttier from here. The Bacteria Man removed from his trench coat a small vile of powder, when approached by several Crazed Fanboys he began shouting from the tops of his lungs, "What? You want a piece, Fuckboys!" Then sprayed the contents of the vile into the air as it spread downward upon it's victims, eating away slowly at their flesh.
I looked around the once promising room of bargain deals on comic books and collectible items, now splattered in blood and guts. In one corner of the room was The Tez Bomb armed with a razor blade slicing up any and everybody who stood in the way of his madness, back to back with his 'ol lady who was armed with a sawed off shotgun blasting away at many a innocent by stander.
I peaked to the back of the room and spotted Canova shouting at a camera crew to document the days events, arguably for the purpose of adding the contents to his websites video archive. Diabolical bastard. A real life Schlock-O-Rama.
As the hotels foundation crumbled beneath the feet of the steal Tyranosauras fire breathing Chris Woods, I dodged flying knives, leaped over flaming corpses of melted bodies and ran away as fast and as far away as I could.
All I know is that as of Monday Feb. 21, 2011 both the Crazed Fanboy website and DOB had raving reviews of the convention both boasting of their respective successes for the day.
