Guitar legend.
Comic book super hero.
Literary genius.
International ladies man.
These are just a few of the titles given to local yokel and global internet phenomenon Nolan B. Canova who was reported missing roughly a month ago by fans of his online fanzine Crazedfanboy.com.
"He was a quiet boy, except when that filthy polock whore would come around! They'd stay holed up in that shack for days at a time just a hootin and a hollarin. One day the deputies had to beat the doors down and spray them out with fire hoses", claims 84 year old neighbor Marianne Hoover, who has lived next to Canova for nearly three decades.
Some have suggested that Canovas hearty appetite for cocaine binges and routy prostitutes are to blame for his disappearance. Others claim that he was secretly a worshipper of "Rahl 7", a satanic cult based in the belief that aliens visited the Britton Plaza in 1984 and prophesized to a popcorn vendor at the shopping centers theater the secrets of life and death.
So convenced was Canova that he denounced his Catholicism and gave up a lucrative career as a trial lawyer in favor of working as a clerk in and out of local shops where he could freely prosthelytize to the high volume of customers he mingled with on a regular basis.
"He was a good ol boy, one of us. But man, he could really wig you out if you came into one of his shops on a bad acid trip. This one time he started preaching some mumbo jumbo about hell really being outer space or something or another, and man, by the end of it I swear the taco on that Taco-Bell sign over there was comin over here to eat me! I woke up the next day naked in a dumpster snuggling with a blow up doll out in Plant City, still can't figure out how I got there or where the doll came from. Canova saw me about a week later, winked, and said Rahl Bless You, whatever the fuck that means!", says Joey Trippoli, friend and customer for over a decade.
While some argue that Canova's devotion to "Rahl 7" caused him to pack up and leave in favor of life at a mountainous combine retreat in Tennessee, others paint a much different picture.
Pamela Leung, who neighbors refer to as the "dumb polock whore" has known Canova for six years and has this to say about his disappearance and possible whereabouts.
"Rahl 7?", "Pshh, anybody that knew Canova knows that it was all just a gag to pick up lonely women, he didn't really believe any of that bullshit. What happend was one night we're all hangin out at his pad doing blow and guzzling Bacardi, next thing we know this fat bitch walks in the house. We didn't think anything of it. People would walk in all the time and we'd just keep on doing whatever. So anyways, this bitch walks over to the toilet, knocks out what we thought had to have been the meanest turd ever laid in the history of mankind. I mean, she's over there just a squintin and a squeezin, stompin her muddy boots on the tile. Finally she wipes off, get's up and leaves. We go over there because we have got to see what this monster looks like and what the hell is in there but a little damn baby squirmin around in the toilet water!"
According to Pamela the mystery woman was a former lover of Canovas who he had failed to recognize in his inebriated state of mind.
"Oh yeah, they were pretty hot and heavy at one time. But the craziest part was that she left a note behind at the door that said something to the effect of, watch the baby please I'm going to the bar, be back at 3 or something like that. He couldn't face the possibility of raising this womans baby and having to pay her child support so he just fled, simple as that."
When pressed about possible locations regarding Canovas current whereabouts Pamela could simply say, "Largo, yeah, definitly Largo. He loved the scene over there."
Lampin investigators followed a series of leads and picked up several clues that led to a dive bar that has witnessed a sudden surge in late night calls to the local sheriffs office.
This blurry photograph, is perhaps the closest our investigators could come to cracking the case.
If you or someone you know has any information leading up the whereabouts of Nolan B. Canova please contact Lampin immediatly, fans of Crazedfanboy.com are awaiting his return to relavency.
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