Emoting With A Whale!

Back in the day when I had money to burn me and my ex-girlfriend would spend typically every other weekend traveling back and fourth to Orlando, venturing out of various theme parks and whatnot. One of the more popular destinations ofcourse was Orlando's world famous Sea World home of Shamu the "Killer" Whale.

Now this has nothing to do with me being a liberal tree-hugging hippy that jerks off to saving poor innocent animals or anything like that, but I was happy and giggled a little this week when I signed on to AOL and was welcomed by the headline of a 12,000 pound, 30 year old male Orca named Tilikum who went nuts and murdered his trainer at Sea Worlds Shamu Stadium in Orlando.

For me sitting in that stadium has always been a miserable experience. I would often pass the time fantasizing over the whale jumping out of its tank and committing suicide into the first ten rows and splattering like a Gallagher watermelon on the unsuspecting idiots hoping to be tinkled with water from the show. When I wasn't imagining pieces of Orca corpse sprawled out like raw hamburger meat over dead tourist I was hoping the whale would snap and eat its trainer. Or maybe just biting off the head of the moron dumb enough to swim in small tank with a whale so blood spews everywhere like in Shogun Assasssin then spitting the head back into the audience. Tragically I was never fortunate enough to witness any of this first hand.

Some of you may be asking why I feel this way. It's simple. Such a magnificent creature has no business being confined to a cage just so it can be ridiculed and forced to perform stupid tricks so someone can sell stupid shirts and mugs to tourist. Regardless of how well they treated Tilikum the whale, no amount of female whale poon and dead fish can replace the wild manhood god meant for him to freely enjoy out in the infinite oceans of the world. He is the Al Bundy of the sea.

As a fellow mammal I guess I just put myself in the whales shoes and sympathize a little bit. This isn't a fat lazy alligator, a fish or a turtle we are talking about here. This whale would rather be out in the open ocean hunting prey and playing with his friends, snagging a few babe whales and chilling. The same way I'd rather be out sweating on a basketball court with a group of friends, hanging at a bar and doing man things. How miserable this poor whale's life must be. He is basically on death row with no hope to ever see freedom. His trainers are lucky it took him this long to finally go postal (well besides the two other deaths he was a part of!!!).

It is my hope that other whales will take note of this and form a rebellion against their human oppressors. Maybe it is time for some sort of revolution and Tilikum will be seen as their Caesar (Planet Of The Apes reference). Good luck to all the whales out there!