Originally written December 20, 2009
Dear Tiger,Honestly Tiger, up until this past week I could really give a fuck less about you. But since your name has been left for dead and picked apart piece by piece by media opportunists and scavengers, I have actually grown a little bit of respect for you as a celebrity and as a man.
Let me start by asking that you please stop apologizing to people you don't know, for shit that isn't their business. This is a matter that needs to be worked out privately between you and your token wife that the "yes men" surrounding you demanded you marry so that screwballs in middle America will feel more comfortable buying Nike golf gloves and Cadillacs from. Lets be honest, your whole marriage is a sham, a publicity stunt and should from now on be acknowledged as such.
If I were you I would just openly admit that you enjoy sticking your love stick in as many whores as you can, what man doesn't? I know I do, hell, if I were the first billionaire athlete with access to unholy amounts of skankoids and expensive trim merchants at my disposal I'd never stop pune-banging either. Married to a token wife or not.
As far as the bimbo wearing your ring is concerned, stop apologizing to her also. I have a hard time believing she didn't have an understanding that this was part of the deal to begin with. What broad is so egotistical to believe that her stuff is slamming enough to keep the world's most over-hyped celebrity happy enough not to browse the buffet table every now and again? Living a glamorous life as the propped-up wife of a megastar and never having to deal with real dilemmas ever again isn't enough for her? Let that unappreciative golddigger go and publicly embrace your manhood.
Lastly, don't let the media O.J. you, my dude. There is nothing Americans loathe and fear more then a non-threatening black guy that turns out to be a regular Joe. Drop the Carlton act and be yourself. The sponsors are gone and you're free now. Tell the PGA to go fuck itself and make a YOUTUBE video of you wiping your ass with all of those corporate contracts. They need you more than you need them. If a major company doesn't want to do business with you then their competition probably does. One way or another you will always be a major attraction, nobody swings a golf club like you and probably nobody ever will. Controversies like this come and go, eventually a middle class white girl will get abducted or Brad Pitt will fist-fight Tom Cruise, and before you know it, you'll be a distant memory in the minds of a public with short attention spans.
You've been a sell-out your entire career. For once, keep it real.
Sincerely,
Lampin @ The 6th Borough
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