Top 10 Penis Castrations!

***Updated*** After re-watching Dolemite I realized that one of his she-goons may not have castrated a guy. So I added an eleventh film.



If you're anything like me (and I'm sure you are), your penis is primarily responsible for every bad decision you have ever made. Whether it was buying something you couldn't afford to impress a chick or thrusting yourself between the gutter thighs of some prehistoric she-beast, your man-stick was there to convince you it was a good idea even though your common sense scolded you otherwise.

In honor of the worst holiday our penises ever invented, I have taken the liberty of assembling a list of ten films that liberate a man from his crotch-demon by the most savage means possible. Enjoy.

Pulp Fiction - There is probably nothing scarier then being locked inside of a basement getting anally jammed by two rednecks. That is, unless you're the two rednecks and you're anally banging Ving Rhames who has just gotten loose and wielding a shotgun. Seeing a man have his crotch replaced by a giant empty hole is one thing, but not as scary as what we know is going to happen when the camera cuts away. What really makes this scene effective is the mental visual of two hard pipe hitting brothers getting medieval on that hole with a pair of pliers and blowtorch.

Dolemite - This scene isn't necessarily great because of its graphic nature, it's just great because it's great. Dolemite shoots at a man's feet to make him dance, calls him a honkey, then allows one of his hookers to finish the man off with a razor blade cutting off his pecker. The whole time Dolemite just laughs as if it is another day at the office. Classic.

Last House On The Left - Biting off your lover's manhood at the moment he is most vulnerable to you is the ultimate revenge for any female. Honestly, I am surprised this doesn't happen more often. I know I am not the only guy who has ever worried about this happening, or am I?

6ixtynin9 - This movie was actually the inspiration for this list. I can't seem to find the clip anywhere online nor can I find any information about this particular scene so I am going to have to go from memory. If I recall correctly, what happens is this girl's nosey neighbor believes that she is banging her boyfriend (who I think was a cop). When the neighbors' paranoia reaches capacity, she drifts off into a fantasy about castrating her boyfriend's ding-dong and then proceeds to chop it up and feed it to another woman in her salad. Gross!

Street Trash - Playing keep away with the severed dick of a hobo. It doesn't get any classier than this.

Hostel 2 - I really could have lived my whole life and been perfectly content with not seeing this guy have his jimmy chopped off and have it fed to dogs. But like a dummy, I threw down my money knowing I was gonna watch people get hacked, maimed and tortured. Guess I got what I paid for.

True Romance - I suppose there is some irony in watching a pimp get shot in the balls.

I Spit On Your Grave - The sound this guy makes after having it sliced off is priceless.

Cannibal Ferox - I'm pretty sure there is a castration scene in Cannibal Holocaust as well, but oh well, watch both of them. This movie is so beautifully repugnant that a penis castration isn't even the highlight of the film in terms of nastiness. Keep an eye out for the senseless real-life animal killings and the scene where a chick is hung by her nipples.

Teeth - This broad's snatch is made out of teeth, self-explanatory.

The Serpent And The Rainbow - This is great because there is already a slow build up with Bill Pullman tied down and tormented. Then the camera cuts to his underwear and the floor and the next thing you know his tormenter is hammering a sharp object into his penis. OUCH!!!

Cult Film Review - Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In Law!

Any movie that starts out with a impoverished black mother giving birth to a watermelon, followed by a new born baby with the body of a twelve year old has to be good. In fact, all of these hack directors trying to bring us exploitative homage's of exploitation films need to give Petey Wheatstraw: The Devils Son In Law a spin and take notes on the difference between funny for the sake of being funny and being crude as means of offending people solely to offend them.

Comedic legend Rudy Ray Moore (Dolemite, The Human Tornado) stars as Petey Wheatstraw. Born during a south Florida tropical storm and trained in the art of self defense by a wise old man from his neighborhood, Petey grows into a popular night club act. But not everybody is fond of this funny mans show. His competition, Leroy and Skillet want him dead!

Eager to get their show off the ground, Leroy and Skillet borrow a large sum of money from the devious Mr. White (an actual white guy) and have no choice but to return a profit on his investment. Problem is, Petey Wheatstraw is opening his show only a few days after they do and threatens to put their event out of business. It isn't long before words turn into actions and in the words of Petey Wheatstraw himself, the shit is about to hit the fan!

Leroy and Skillets goons take to the streets to harass and intimidate Petey's crew, eventually going so far as to kill a little boy by mistake. This leads up to a scene that I really did not see coming. At the little boys funeral, a group of thugs armed with Tommy Guns shows up to assassinate Petey Wheatstraw. Boy, do they do so with a vengeance, I mean wow, this scene stands out even when compared side by side to better gangster films.

Following this massacre a sharply dressed older man approaches the corpse of Petey Wheatstraw and hands over his business card, turns out he is the devil himself and has a intriguing proposal to offer the comedian. The two conversate in hell for a little while, a dark place with poor red lighting that makes for a disturbing atmosphere. The devil as it turns out has a problem, his daughter is quite atrocious in appearance and desires a husband. In exchange for Petey's hand in marriage, the devil will allow the comedian to walk the earth until he exacts revenge upon Leroy and Skillet for his murder. Hijinks ensue.

There isn't really much to dislike about this film. The acting is awful, the story is silly and the bad guys costumes are really just cheap tights. In these types of movies its the heart that counts and this one delivers in spades (no pun intended). Even sites and sounds that would normally be used as a means to offend the viewer and demean the actors seem harmless in this film. I imagine that this movie holds some type of record for the most watermelons ever used on camera.

Even though Moore's gigantic ego is on full display in this film (including an awesome sex scene where he bangs like 10 demon chicks and leaves them passed out from pleasure) I will go so far as to say that he may have been slightly outshined this go around by his real life opening act of Leroy and Skillet. They perform in this awesome silent film style of over the top body movements with a little bit of minstrel show goodness added in.

If your out for a few laughs I highly recommend this fundamental piece of exploitation gold. Although my copy comes from the Rudy Ray Moore box set collection, the film can currently be found on the shelves of your local Wal-Mart for some reason. So, grab it before it's gone!