Top 10 Penis Castrations!

***Updated*** After re-watching Dolemite I realized that one of his she-goons may not have castrated a guy. So I added an eleventh film.



If you're anything like me (and I'm sure you are), your penis is primarily responsible for every bad decision you have ever made. Whether it was buying something you couldn't afford to impress a chick or thrusting yourself between the gutter thighs of some prehistoric she-beast, your man-stick was there to convince you it was a good idea even though your common sense scolded you otherwise.

In honor of the worst holiday our penises ever invented, I have taken the liberty of assembling a list of ten films that liberate a man from his crotch-demon by the most savage means possible. Enjoy.

Pulp Fiction - There is probably nothing scarier then being locked inside of a basement getting anally jammed by two rednecks. That is, unless you're the two rednecks and you're anally banging Ving Rhames who has just gotten loose and wielding a shotgun. Seeing a man have his crotch replaced by a giant empty hole is one thing, but not as scary as what we know is going to happen when the camera cuts away. What really makes this scene effective is the mental visual of two hard pipe hitting brothers getting medieval on that hole with a pair of pliers and blowtorch.

Dolemite - This scene isn't necessarily great because of its graphic nature, it's just great because it's great. Dolemite shoots at a man's feet to make him dance, calls him a honkey, then allows one of his hookers to finish the man off with a razor blade cutting off his pecker. The whole time Dolemite just laughs as if it is another day at the office. Classic.

Last House On The Left - Biting off your lover's manhood at the moment he is most vulnerable to you is the ultimate revenge for any female. Honestly, I am surprised this doesn't happen more often. I know I am not the only guy who has ever worried about this happening, or am I?

6ixtynin9 - This movie was actually the inspiration for this list. I can't seem to find the clip anywhere online nor can I find any information about this particular scene so I am going to have to go from memory. If I recall correctly, what happens is this girl's nosey neighbor believes that she is banging her boyfriend (who I think was a cop). When the neighbors' paranoia reaches capacity, she drifts off into a fantasy about castrating her boyfriend's ding-dong and then proceeds to chop it up and feed it to another woman in her salad. Gross!

Street Trash - Playing keep away with the severed dick of a hobo. It doesn't get any classier than this.

Hostel 2 - I really could have lived my whole life and been perfectly content with not seeing this guy have his jimmy chopped off and have it fed to dogs. But like a dummy, I threw down my money knowing I was gonna watch people get hacked, maimed and tortured. Guess I got what I paid for.

True Romance - I suppose there is some irony in watching a pimp get shot in the balls.

I Spit On Your Grave - The sound this guy makes after having it sliced off is priceless.

Cannibal Ferox - I'm pretty sure there is a castration scene in Cannibal Holocaust as well, but oh well, watch both of them. This movie is so beautifully repugnant that a penis castration isn't even the highlight of the film in terms of nastiness. Keep an eye out for the senseless real-life animal killings and the scene where a chick is hung by her nipples.

Teeth - This broad's snatch is made out of teeth, self-explanatory.

The Serpent And The Rainbow - This is great because there is already a slow build up with Bill Pullman tied down and tormented. Then the camera cuts to his underwear and the floor and the next thing you know his tormenter is hammering a sharp object into his penis. OUCH!!!

RZA to direct Man With The Iron Fist!

The Rza, founding member and creative genius behind the legendary hip hop group the Wu-Tang Clan has just been handed over $20 million by Universal Pictures to shoot his kung fu epic The Man With The Iron Fist in China this September.

First off let me start by saying that this has got to be the most ambitious fanboy inspired project to come along since Grindhouse. Not only because it is being written and directed by The Rza, (who is also providing the soundtrack!) but because it was also co-written by none other then Eli Roth, the current king of nerdy gore flicks. What a combination, and if that wasn't crazy enough The Rza has apparently been training behind the camera over the years with the likes of John Woo and Quentin Tarantino (Rza contributed to the Kill Bill soundtrack).

All of this is fantastic news and I am no doubt excited, but I must admit that as a die hard Wu fan I am a bit skeptical.

There's no denying The Rza's genius, one only needs to listen to the early catelogue of the Wu for proof of that. Rza produced albums such as Raekwons "Only Built For Cuban Linx" and Gza's "Liquid Swords" were essentially movies in and of themselves, only on wax instead of film.

Problem is, that's The Rza of days long past. The grimey, grindhouse inhabiting fanboy that crafted classic album after classic album with a potent blend of capitalism, eastern philosphy and the influence of the five percent nation just doesn't exist anymore. Now days we are stuck with a Hollywood hippy that is a hack of his former self. Producing thrown together albums with luke warm beats and doing soundtracks for any bad movie that'll cut him a check.

As a fan I am really hoping this project works out, but I also know it is a matter of which Rza will show up. If we get the early to mid 1990's Rza then we will no doubt be in for a treat that should captivate audiences and possibly inspire more fanboy friendly films. On the otherhand, if we get the cgi friendly Rza of the 2000's who never met a movie like Blade 3 he didn't like, then we are all in big trouble.

Thankfully with Eli Roth overseeing the project things should work themselves out ok, and don't be surprised if Tarantino is lurking somewhere behind the scenes with a hand mixed up in this. Stay tuned.