Cult Film Review - Machete

Im not going to front, for the last three years or so I have been patiently waiting with foolish optimism for this film to be made and released. Mainly because a big part of me was counting on this movie to be the film that would change the way people go to the movies. Thinking it would inspire some sort of grindhouse revival period where fans and filmmakers alike would turn away from the big glossy studio epics in favor of boobs, blood, creativity and all out non-pc fun.

Unfortunatly, Machete is far from the movie I imagined it to be. Nor is it even close to being the hardcore flick that was promised in the original fake trailer that inspired this movie. Not to say that it doesn't deliver on the boobs, blood, creativity and all out non-pc fun, because it certainly does. The problem is thats all it does.

My biggest complaint has nothing to do with story or the other various intangibles, it has to do with the direction of Robert Rodriguez. Man has this guy fallen off hard. I grew up on films like Desperado and From Dusk Til Dawn, back when the Double R actually had to use his talents behind the camera instead of being lazy and relying upon CGI / crafty editing to do all of the work for him.

I think about Rodriguez's one time contemporary Quentin Tarantino and even though he is a hack, he still makes movies simply because he enjoys making movies. He doesn't do it to cash in either like Rodriguez. Tarantino directs as though he still has something to prove, like he is out for nothing more then the respect. Rodriguez on the other hand seems to have been content with proving his skills behind the camera in the 90's and peaking sometime around Once Upon A Time In Mexico, now he is all about the benjamins. Or maybe he just realizes that times have changed and it isn't as necassary to work so hard impressing audiences anymore.

Despire Rodriguez's lazy directing, Machete suffers thanks to heavy handed politics. Not to say that I don't agree with the message because I certainly do. The problem is that Rodriguez never lets the message soak into the movie, it is continously beaten into the audiences skull. It feels like the same conversations are had 30 different times.

The other thing that bothered me, and this is always a big turn off in any film for me if not done correctly, is relying upon news coverage. Man I hate that.

Ok, the last negative before I begin showering praise upon this film is the same complaint I had for The Expendables (the other "throwback" film). To much damn CGI! Is it so hard to just hire a professional fx crew to hook your film up with adequate fake blood and latex wounds? CGI completely throws off the grindhouse feel and makes the movie feel more like I am watching a video game. I mean come on, that is why grindhouse films from the 70's-80's have endured so long, because we love the fx whether they be extremely cheesy or utterly mind blowing. Can you imagine watching Sonny Chiba in The Street Fighter going around kicking the shit out of people and cartoon blood spewing out? Hell no! Bring back squibs and real explosions damnit!

The sickest and most diabolical aspect of this is that Rodriguez cast legendary fx guru Tom Savini for a role in this movie. Seriously, how are you going to have Savini in your movie but not hire him to do some bad ass fx?

So now to the good stuff. Danny Trejo is awesome and I love supporting this movie simply because the man has put in the work and his time has come. He is literally the American dream and I admire his story. Not to mention he may be the coolest genre actor of our generation. Hopefully this film will provide him with further opportunities as a leading man.

The rest of the cast is great as well, especially Jeff Fahey. I have vague recolections of Jeff Fahey being in other films but I mainly associate him with strait to video Pay-Per-View films and stuff on the USA network in the 90's. Besides Planet Terror Im not sure what the hell he was in, but he damn sure makes the most of his role in Machete. Oh and Steven Seagal as his boss is priceless. That fake spanish accent was complete exploitation gold. Don Johnson nails it as a radical minute man type and Robert Deniro is basically just Robert Deniro but with an awesome Texas accent.

The story is good, even though it feels a little thrown together and rushed. Machetes escape from the hospital is epic as is his hijinks with his enemies wife and daughter, classic. The nudity is about on par with where it should be in a film like this and major props for giving us a glimpse of a partially nude Jessica Alba and Lindsey Lohan. Don't even get me started on how sexy Michelle Rodriguez is in this movie.

All in all Machete is worth the cost of admission and arguably the best movie of the summer just above The Expendables. As much as I loved the movie I just didn't love it as much as I dreamed I would and thats a shame. If Robert Rodriguez had directed this film with the same intensity and skill as he did Desperado then this movie could / should have been one of the coolest movies ever made.

RZA to direct Man With The Iron Fist!

The Rza, founding member and creative genius behind the legendary hip hop group the Wu-Tang Clan has just been handed over $20 million by Universal Pictures to shoot his kung fu epic The Man With The Iron Fist in China this September.

First off let me start by saying that this has got to be the most ambitious fanboy inspired project to come along since Grindhouse. Not only because it is being written and directed by The Rza, (who is also providing the soundtrack!) but because it was also co-written by none other then Eli Roth, the current king of nerdy gore flicks. What a combination, and if that wasn't crazy enough The Rza has apparently been training behind the camera over the years with the likes of John Woo and Quentin Tarantino (Rza contributed to the Kill Bill soundtrack).

All of this is fantastic news and I am no doubt excited, but I must admit that as a die hard Wu fan I am a bit skeptical.

There's no denying The Rza's genius, one only needs to listen to the early catelogue of the Wu for proof of that. Rza produced albums such as Raekwons "Only Built For Cuban Linx" and Gza's "Liquid Swords" were essentially movies in and of themselves, only on wax instead of film.

Problem is, that's The Rza of days long past. The grimey, grindhouse inhabiting fanboy that crafted classic album after classic album with a potent blend of capitalism, eastern philosphy and the influence of the five percent nation just doesn't exist anymore. Now days we are stuck with a Hollywood hippy that is a hack of his former self. Producing thrown together albums with luke warm beats and doing soundtracks for any bad movie that'll cut him a check.

As a fan I am really hoping this project works out, but I also know it is a matter of which Rza will show up. If we get the early to mid 1990's Rza then we will no doubt be in for a treat that should captivate audiences and possibly inspire more fanboy friendly films. On the otherhand, if we get the cgi friendly Rza of the 2000's who never met a movie like Blade 3 he didn't like, then we are all in big trouble.

Thankfully with Eli Roth overseeing the project things should work themselves out ok, and don't be surprised if Tarantino is lurking somewhere behind the scenes with a hand mixed up in this. Stay tuned.

Cult Film Review - Death Sport!

Roger Corman's obvious cash-in on the classic Death Race 2000 re-unites him with the iconic David Carradine who plays the part of Kaz Oshay, a desert drifter forced to compete in a futurist motorcycle dueling game known as Death Sport.

Our story begins with Kaz Oshay under attack from a bunch of guys with these odd looking lazer guns that somehow cause whatever they hit to disappear into thin air. Sword in hand and ready for battle Kaz manages to send a few of these bad guys to hell before eventually finding himself captured and confined to a prison cell.

Located in the cell directly across from Kaz is a beautiful vixen known as Deneer, played by the lovely Claudia Jennings. The two make an instant connection and agree to help one another escape the Death Sport. Or something to that effect.

We are then introduced to the bad guys, one of whom is some sort of dictator-President type who gets his rocks off by torturing naked young women in a black room with a bunch of dangling glittery poles and is told by a doctor that his brain is rotting. The other is an ambitious trouble maker working directly beneath the dictator-President (or whatever the hell he is) and has plans to overthrow the current government with his own whacked-out regime.

Fast forward a bit and we finally get our first glimpses of the Death Sport. Kaz, Deneer, the doctor who told the dictator-President guy his brain was rotting and the doctor's son are forced onto motorcycles and made to do battle in an arena covered with land mines. For about ten minutes or so we are treated to some cool explosions and whatnot but nothing all that exciting. Eventually our heroes find an exit and manage to ride off into the desert. The bad guys are in hot pursuit.

Earlier in the film Deneers daughter was stolen by a bunch of mutants. Now free, Deneer and Kaz make it their mission to find the young girl and also evade the bad guys looking for them. When we finally get a good glimpse of the mutants they turn out to be nothing more then a bunch of weirdo's in hoods with the most unintentionally funny and downright cheapest, fake bulging eyeballs ever seen on film. While most viewers would sneer at such a thing I found the ridiculousness of the mutants costumes to be quite charming.

It should be noted that while much of Death Sport is cheaply made, I found the location choices to be highly impressive. The prison cells all have this off white dirty coloration on the walls and a very futuristic look fitting for the scenes they are used. There is also a abandoned factory seen later in the film that sort of drives home that post apocalyptic feel.

Although Death Sport certainly lacks the anarchist charm of Death Race 2000, the movie manages to stand firm and develop its own identity despite the shady motives of its producers. If you stumble across a cheap copy of Death Sport give it a shot, it may be exactly what you are looking for.

Cult Film Review - The Burning!

Attempting to cash in on the early 80's slasher in the woods craze started by Friday The 13th, writer/producer Harvey Weinstein unleashed upon the world a film that not only lived up to the standards set by F13th, but surpasses them.

The film opens by showing us a group of spoiled teenage campers pulling a prank on their drunken caretaker. Somewhere they dig up a worm covered skull, fill it with candles and carefully place it next to the caretakers bed as he sleeps. In what amounts to the funniest two minutes in horror film history. The pimply-faced youths gleefully pound their well-lotioned fist against the window waking the confused drunk, causing him to shriek with terror as he knocks over the flaming skull onto some chemicals. For nearly a minute we watch as this man catches fire, runs around in circles and rolls violently down a cliff before landing in a nearby pond.

After five years of intensive burn treatment our now permanently disfigured caretaker is released back into society and ready for revenge. In what now seems like a fitting tribute to the types of theatres and neighborhoods a film like The Burning would have originally played in upon its release. Our caretaker dressed in a hat and trenchcoat (presumably naked underneith) walks along a glorious street inhabited by sleezy peep shows, grindhouse theatres and hookers galore. One such hooker has the misfortune of luring the caretaker into her room where he filets her with a pair of scissors leaving the entire room completely soaked with blood.

Wisely choosing to work on The Burning over a sequel to Friday The 13th, f/x guru Tom Savini is given the perfect canvas to display the genius of his work. The most notorious of which is the infamous raft scene. When a group of campers take to the river in search of some missing friends they are greeted by a canoe filled with bloodied limbs and a pissed-off caretaker. Sliced off fingers, stabbed through the throat, and slashed along the forehead. Each camper is dismembered gruesomly one by one with a pair of garden shears. I imagine this film played incredibly well amongst teachers, counselers or anyone having to work with annoying teens.

Most reviewers would take a moment to gloat over all of the future stars this film deservedly hacks to pieces. I'm not going to do that. Instead I'd like to throw out the name Ned Eisenberg. Having also had a small role in the cult favorite The Exterminator, Eisenberg would later pay tribute to fanboys everywhere in the role of Wink Barnes in 1985's underrated comedy gem Moving Violations. Sadly, Eisenbergs career as a favorite amongst genre fans never panned out as he was basically lost in obscurity following tiny parts in a bunch of mainstream films nobody liked.

For fans who appreciate their teenage massacres bloody and in bulk, I strongly recommend The Burning.

Cult Film Review - Rolling Thunder!

After nearly a decade of being locked away as a P.O.W. in some Hanoi hell hole Major Charles Ranes has returned home to San Antonio to find that his whole life has moved on without him. His son, now almost a teenager doesn't remember him, the wife is out screwing around with the local goof troop law man and to top it off Major Ranes is stuck sleeping in the tool shed because he isn't capable of re-integrating back into society just yet.

The grateful town folk have scrounged up some gifts for the battered warrior, a shiny new red Cadillac and $2,500 worth of silver dollars, one for each day of his imprisonment. It is here that he begins to form a relationship with a military groupie that later becomes the Bonnie to his Clyde.

From here on out Rolling Thunder is hopped up on a bottle of crazy pills and bulldozes its way into history as one of the ultimate man films. After returning home Major Ranes is greeted by a group of outlaws hellbent on stealing the warheros $2,500 worth of silver dollars. These guys are bad to the bone, their acting superb and the violence they carry out --- remorseless.

Rolling Thunder isn't just your average revenge flick, it's better. A combination of Taxi-Driver meets No Country For Old Men with a grindhouse swag.

Tommy Lee Jones shows up in a supporting role as CPL. Johnny Vohden, a man who is just flat out bored with normal society. This is the most fun I have ever seen Tommy Lee Jones have on screen, whenever there is a gun in his hand with the possibility of a body being infront of the barrel Jones cracks this cold, demented smirk. The look of a man who is doing what he loves, killing.

Fans looking for a fast paced shoot'em up may be a little disappointed at the films slow pacing and the violence has little to no gore. Proving once again that the most effective violence is what takes place off screen.

Cult Film Review - Cop Killers!

"Don't ever put your hands on me again. Look man, I was just trying to relax. I'll keep my hands off the young virgin. Now if she comes on to me, that's another story".

The title of this film alone is enough to peak my interest. Not so much that I dislike cops, though I do occasionally find them useless, it's just that any film bold enough to sell itself under the title of "Cop Killers" has to be good. How could it not be?

Cop Killers tells the story of two low life hippies who's lives take a turn for the worse when a police road block prevents them from smuggling cocaine out of the desert. After a violent shoot out with the cops hippie drug dealers Alex and Ray hit the open Arizona road on a mission to sell their product to an even bigger drug dealer and escape out of the country as wealthy men.

From the perspective of a die-hard fan who lives and breathes for these types of movies, Cop Killers does not disappoint. This is the kind of film that forces people to take a shower after viewing, imagine a Sergio Leone western that's been nuked in a microwave and remixed by hippies.

Although not gory in abundance genre fans will walk away satisfied, if for no other reason then the f/x were handled by none other then Rick Baker. If gore is not enough, then the T & A, foul language, drug abuse, stolen ice-cream trucks and awesome folksy theme song that plays throughout will no doubt be enough to leave the whistles of fanboys wettend.