Cult Film Review - Machete

Im not going to front, for the last three years or so I have been patiently waiting with foolish optimism for this film to be made and released. Mainly because a big part of me was counting on this movie to be the film that would change the way people go to the movies. Thinking it would inspire some sort of grindhouse revival period where fans and filmmakers alike would turn away from the big glossy studio epics in favor of boobs, blood, creativity and all out non-pc fun.

Unfortunatly, Machete is far from the movie I imagined it to be. Nor is it even close to being the hardcore flick that was promised in the original fake trailer that inspired this movie. Not to say that it doesn't deliver on the boobs, blood, creativity and all out non-pc fun, because it certainly does. The problem is thats all it does.

My biggest complaint has nothing to do with story or the other various intangibles, it has to do with the direction of Robert Rodriguez. Man has this guy fallen off hard. I grew up on films like Desperado and From Dusk Til Dawn, back when the Double R actually had to use his talents behind the camera instead of being lazy and relying upon CGI / crafty editing to do all of the work for him.

I think about Rodriguez's one time contemporary Quentin Tarantino and even though he is a hack, he still makes movies simply because he enjoys making movies. He doesn't do it to cash in either like Rodriguez. Tarantino directs as though he still has something to prove, like he is out for nothing more then the respect. Rodriguez on the other hand seems to have been content with proving his skills behind the camera in the 90's and peaking sometime around Once Upon A Time In Mexico, now he is all about the benjamins. Or maybe he just realizes that times have changed and it isn't as necassary to work so hard impressing audiences anymore.

Despire Rodriguez's lazy directing, Machete suffers thanks to heavy handed politics. Not to say that I don't agree with the message because I certainly do. The problem is that Rodriguez never lets the message soak into the movie, it is continously beaten into the audiences skull. It feels like the same conversations are had 30 different times.

The other thing that bothered me, and this is always a big turn off in any film for me if not done correctly, is relying upon news coverage. Man I hate that.

Ok, the last negative before I begin showering praise upon this film is the same complaint I had for The Expendables (the other "throwback" film). To much damn CGI! Is it so hard to just hire a professional fx crew to hook your film up with adequate fake blood and latex wounds? CGI completely throws off the grindhouse feel and makes the movie feel more like I am watching a video game. I mean come on, that is why grindhouse films from the 70's-80's have endured so long, because we love the fx whether they be extremely cheesy or utterly mind blowing. Can you imagine watching Sonny Chiba in The Street Fighter going around kicking the shit out of people and cartoon blood spewing out? Hell no! Bring back squibs and real explosions damnit!

The sickest and most diabolical aspect of this is that Rodriguez cast legendary fx guru Tom Savini for a role in this movie. Seriously, how are you going to have Savini in your movie but not hire him to do some bad ass fx?

So now to the good stuff. Danny Trejo is awesome and I love supporting this movie simply because the man has put in the work and his time has come. He is literally the American dream and I admire his story. Not to mention he may be the coolest genre actor of our generation. Hopefully this film will provide him with further opportunities as a leading man.

The rest of the cast is great as well, especially Jeff Fahey. I have vague recolections of Jeff Fahey being in other films but I mainly associate him with strait to video Pay-Per-View films and stuff on the USA network in the 90's. Besides Planet Terror Im not sure what the hell he was in, but he damn sure makes the most of his role in Machete. Oh and Steven Seagal as his boss is priceless. That fake spanish accent was complete exploitation gold. Don Johnson nails it as a radical minute man type and Robert Deniro is basically just Robert Deniro but with an awesome Texas accent.

The story is good, even though it feels a little thrown together and rushed. Machetes escape from the hospital is epic as is his hijinks with his enemies wife and daughter, classic. The nudity is about on par with where it should be in a film like this and major props for giving us a glimpse of a partially nude Jessica Alba and Lindsey Lohan. Don't even get me started on how sexy Michelle Rodriguez is in this movie.

All in all Machete is worth the cost of admission and arguably the best movie of the summer just above The Expendables. As much as I loved the movie I just didn't love it as much as I dreamed I would and thats a shame. If Robert Rodriguez had directed this film with the same intensity and skill as he did Desperado then this movie could / should have been one of the coolest movies ever made.

Cult Film Review - The Burning!

Attempting to cash in on the early 80's slasher in the woods craze started by Friday The 13th, writer/producer Harvey Weinstein unleashed upon the world a film that not only lived up to the standards set by F13th, but surpasses them.

The film opens by showing us a group of spoiled teenage campers pulling a prank on their drunken caretaker. Somewhere they dig up a worm covered skull, fill it with candles and carefully place it next to the caretakers bed as he sleeps. In what amounts to the funniest two minutes in horror film history. The pimply-faced youths gleefully pound their well-lotioned fist against the window waking the confused drunk, causing him to shriek with terror as he knocks over the flaming skull onto some chemicals. For nearly a minute we watch as this man catches fire, runs around in circles and rolls violently down a cliff before landing in a nearby pond.

After five years of intensive burn treatment our now permanently disfigured caretaker is released back into society and ready for revenge. In what now seems like a fitting tribute to the types of theatres and neighborhoods a film like The Burning would have originally played in upon its release. Our caretaker dressed in a hat and trenchcoat (presumably naked underneith) walks along a glorious street inhabited by sleezy peep shows, grindhouse theatres and hookers galore. One such hooker has the misfortune of luring the caretaker into her room where he filets her with a pair of scissors leaving the entire room completely soaked with blood.

Wisely choosing to work on The Burning over a sequel to Friday The 13th, f/x guru Tom Savini is given the perfect canvas to display the genius of his work. The most notorious of which is the infamous raft scene. When a group of campers take to the river in search of some missing friends they are greeted by a canoe filled with bloodied limbs and a pissed-off caretaker. Sliced off fingers, stabbed through the throat, and slashed along the forehead. Each camper is dismembered gruesomly one by one with a pair of garden shears. I imagine this film played incredibly well amongst teachers, counselers or anyone having to work with annoying teens.

Most reviewers would take a moment to gloat over all of the future stars this film deservedly hacks to pieces. I'm not going to do that. Instead I'd like to throw out the name Ned Eisenberg. Having also had a small role in the cult favorite The Exterminator, Eisenberg would later pay tribute to fanboys everywhere in the role of Wink Barnes in 1985's underrated comedy gem Moving Violations. Sadly, Eisenbergs career as a favorite amongst genre fans never panned out as he was basically lost in obscurity following tiny parts in a bunch of mainstream films nobody liked.

For fans who appreciate their teenage massacres bloody and in bulk, I strongly recommend The Burning.