Top 10 Penis Castrations!

***Updated*** After re-watching Dolemite I realized that one of his she-goons may not have castrated a guy. So I added an eleventh film.



If you're anything like me (and I'm sure you are), your penis is primarily responsible for every bad decision you have ever made. Whether it was buying something you couldn't afford to impress a chick or thrusting yourself between the gutter thighs of some prehistoric she-beast, your man-stick was there to convince you it was a good idea even though your common sense scolded you otherwise.

In honor of the worst holiday our penises ever invented, I have taken the liberty of assembling a list of ten films that liberate a man from his crotch-demon by the most savage means possible. Enjoy.

Pulp Fiction - There is probably nothing scarier then being locked inside of a basement getting anally jammed by two rednecks. That is, unless you're the two rednecks and you're anally banging Ving Rhames who has just gotten loose and wielding a shotgun. Seeing a man have his crotch replaced by a giant empty hole is one thing, but not as scary as what we know is going to happen when the camera cuts away. What really makes this scene effective is the mental visual of two hard pipe hitting brothers getting medieval on that hole with a pair of pliers and blowtorch.

Dolemite - This scene isn't necessarily great because of its graphic nature, it's just great because it's great. Dolemite shoots at a man's feet to make him dance, calls him a honkey, then allows one of his hookers to finish the man off with a razor blade cutting off his pecker. The whole time Dolemite just laughs as if it is another day at the office. Classic.

Last House On The Left - Biting off your lover's manhood at the moment he is most vulnerable to you is the ultimate revenge for any female. Honestly, I am surprised this doesn't happen more often. I know I am not the only guy who has ever worried about this happening, or am I?

6ixtynin9 - This movie was actually the inspiration for this list. I can't seem to find the clip anywhere online nor can I find any information about this particular scene so I am going to have to go from memory. If I recall correctly, what happens is this girl's nosey neighbor believes that she is banging her boyfriend (who I think was a cop). When the neighbors' paranoia reaches capacity, she drifts off into a fantasy about castrating her boyfriend's ding-dong and then proceeds to chop it up and feed it to another woman in her salad. Gross!

Street Trash - Playing keep away with the severed dick of a hobo. It doesn't get any classier than this.

Hostel 2 - I really could have lived my whole life and been perfectly content with not seeing this guy have his jimmy chopped off and have it fed to dogs. But like a dummy, I threw down my money knowing I was gonna watch people get hacked, maimed and tortured. Guess I got what I paid for.

True Romance - I suppose there is some irony in watching a pimp get shot in the balls.

I Spit On Your Grave - The sound this guy makes after having it sliced off is priceless.

Cannibal Ferox - I'm pretty sure there is a castration scene in Cannibal Holocaust as well, but oh well, watch both of them. This movie is so beautifully repugnant that a penis castration isn't even the highlight of the film in terms of nastiness. Keep an eye out for the senseless real-life animal killings and the scene where a chick is hung by her nipples.

Teeth - This broad's snatch is made out of teeth, self-explanatory.

The Serpent And The Rainbow - This is great because there is already a slow build up with Bill Pullman tied down and tormented. Then the camera cuts to his underwear and the floor and the next thing you know his tormenter is hammering a sharp object into his penis. OUCH!!!

Cult Film Review - Machete

Im not going to front, for the last three years or so I have been patiently waiting with foolish optimism for this film to be made and released. Mainly because a big part of me was counting on this movie to be the film that would change the way people go to the movies. Thinking it would inspire some sort of grindhouse revival period where fans and filmmakers alike would turn away from the big glossy studio epics in favor of boobs, blood, creativity and all out non-pc fun.

Unfortunatly, Machete is far from the movie I imagined it to be. Nor is it even close to being the hardcore flick that was promised in the original fake trailer that inspired this movie. Not to say that it doesn't deliver on the boobs, blood, creativity and all out non-pc fun, because it certainly does. The problem is thats all it does.

My biggest complaint has nothing to do with story or the other various intangibles, it has to do with the direction of Robert Rodriguez. Man has this guy fallen off hard. I grew up on films like Desperado and From Dusk Til Dawn, back when the Double R actually had to use his talents behind the camera instead of being lazy and relying upon CGI / crafty editing to do all of the work for him.

I think about Rodriguez's one time contemporary Quentin Tarantino and even though he is a hack, he still makes movies simply because he enjoys making movies. He doesn't do it to cash in either like Rodriguez. Tarantino directs as though he still has something to prove, like he is out for nothing more then the respect. Rodriguez on the other hand seems to have been content with proving his skills behind the camera in the 90's and peaking sometime around Once Upon A Time In Mexico, now he is all about the benjamins. Or maybe he just realizes that times have changed and it isn't as necassary to work so hard impressing audiences anymore.

Despire Rodriguez's lazy directing, Machete suffers thanks to heavy handed politics. Not to say that I don't agree with the message because I certainly do. The problem is that Rodriguez never lets the message soak into the movie, it is continously beaten into the audiences skull. It feels like the same conversations are had 30 different times.

The other thing that bothered me, and this is always a big turn off in any film for me if not done correctly, is relying upon news coverage. Man I hate that.

Ok, the last negative before I begin showering praise upon this film is the same complaint I had for The Expendables (the other "throwback" film). To much damn CGI! Is it so hard to just hire a professional fx crew to hook your film up with adequate fake blood and latex wounds? CGI completely throws off the grindhouse feel and makes the movie feel more like I am watching a video game. I mean come on, that is why grindhouse films from the 70's-80's have endured so long, because we love the fx whether they be extremely cheesy or utterly mind blowing. Can you imagine watching Sonny Chiba in The Street Fighter going around kicking the shit out of people and cartoon blood spewing out? Hell no! Bring back squibs and real explosions damnit!

The sickest and most diabolical aspect of this is that Rodriguez cast legendary fx guru Tom Savini for a role in this movie. Seriously, how are you going to have Savini in your movie but not hire him to do some bad ass fx?

So now to the good stuff. Danny Trejo is awesome and I love supporting this movie simply because the man has put in the work and his time has come. He is literally the American dream and I admire his story. Not to mention he may be the coolest genre actor of our generation. Hopefully this film will provide him with further opportunities as a leading man.

The rest of the cast is great as well, especially Jeff Fahey. I have vague recolections of Jeff Fahey being in other films but I mainly associate him with strait to video Pay-Per-View films and stuff on the USA network in the 90's. Besides Planet Terror Im not sure what the hell he was in, but he damn sure makes the most of his role in Machete. Oh and Steven Seagal as his boss is priceless. That fake spanish accent was complete exploitation gold. Don Johnson nails it as a radical minute man type and Robert Deniro is basically just Robert Deniro but with an awesome Texas accent.

The story is good, even though it feels a little thrown together and rushed. Machetes escape from the hospital is epic as is his hijinks with his enemies wife and daughter, classic. The nudity is about on par with where it should be in a film like this and major props for giving us a glimpse of a partially nude Jessica Alba and Lindsey Lohan. Don't even get me started on how sexy Michelle Rodriguez is in this movie.

All in all Machete is worth the cost of admission and arguably the best movie of the summer just above The Expendables. As much as I loved the movie I just didn't love it as much as I dreamed I would and thats a shame. If Robert Rodriguez had directed this film with the same intensity and skill as he did Desperado then this movie could / should have been one of the coolest movies ever made.

Cult Film Review - Society!

The biggest thrill for me as a collector of cult cinema is the random discovery of an underrated gem. Sure there are the definitive must see's and the obscure rarities that exist mostly in legend, but then there is that other category of films that you just have to discover for yourself. A film such as Society fits snugly into that pleasent little grey area between exceeding expectations and not having any expectations to meet in the first place.

Our story revolves around Bill Whitney, a typical All-American rich kid with a bad case of paranoia. For some reason Bill can't shake the suspicion that he doesn't belong, like he is somehow different from the rest of his family and the members of his elite Malibu community.

For roughly an hour the film plays as sort of your typical late eighties teen comedy-drama hybrid. We follow Bill as he weaves through conspiracy theories, argues with his best friend and eventually falls in love with the local slut.

As the films innocent exterior slowly sheds into the finale, a much different story begins to emerge. It seems Bill had good reason for his paranoia after all. Turns out the wealthy really are different from the rest of us, according to this movie not only because they have more money, but because they are a whole nother species entirely!

I won't get into details but the last half hour is so gooooey and gross that it could make Peter Jackson blush(Pre-LOTR days). Personally I have never really seen anything like this and the film earns major points for creativity.

If anyone reading this has ever had a desire to watch an X-rated version of Saved By The Bell featuring incest committing wealthy slime monsters that feed off of the poor then this is something you should check out immediatly. Actually, everyone with a taste for the bizarre should find a copy Society and give it the once over.

Cult Film Review Raiders Of Atlantis!

I originally fell in love with Raiders Of Atlantis upon viewing its trailer a few years back on one of the 42nd Street Forever trailer compilation disc. The vivid colors, the wild music, post apocalyptic insanity and best of all director Ruggero Deodato. I had to have this film in possession lickity split or my head was going to explode into a million little pieces. Problem was where in the hell could I find it at? For a month I browsed every new and used movie retailer in the Tampa Bay area determined to make a discovery on my own without having to rely on the blandness of purchasing off of the internet. Sadly, I had to face reality. Fortunately though I managed to snag a copy on Amazon for dirt cheap that came in this sweet hard cover case.

I'm not going to get into much detail about what this film is about because honestly after watching it a few times I still really don't have a clue. Something about thieves, scientist, a nuclear submarine and the lost continent of Atlantis. The only point that is ever driven home is that the black guy has changed his name from Washington to Mohammed and really, that's all the viewer needs to know in order to enjoy this film. The rest is a melting pot of chaos that never really pulls together but is a hell of a lot of fun to watch.

The first thing that catches you about this film is the ridiculous theme song. A morbidly gothic disco track that sets the tone for the rest of the movie and fits perfectly from scene to scene. Deodato makes the most of every shot by making sure that nothing uninteresting gets in front of his lens. Each actor portrays their character to the extreme and every villain is a work of art. My favorite character is the lead bad guy, some dude that dresses in skanky black leather and wears a glass skull over his face. Also worth keeping an eye out for are the suped up cars and motorbikes the villains travel in, equipped with cool spikes on the wheels.

Although Raiders Of Atlantis is a complete mess of a movie I recommend this as must see TV to any and all fans of cheesy Italian cash-in flicks. Unlike most, this one delivers on the goods. The action flies fast and furious, the gore is cool and the images of destroyed buildings and various urban landscapes are some of the best you will ever see. Check it out.