***Updated*** After re-watching Dolemite I realized that one of his she-goons may not have castrated a guy. So I added an eleventh film.
If you're anything like me (and I'm sure you are), your penis is primarily responsible for every bad decision you have ever made. Whether it was buying something you couldn't afford to impress a chick or thrusting yourself between the gutter thighs of some prehistoric she-beast, your man-stick was there to convince you it was a good idea even though your common sense scolded you otherwise.
In honor of the worst holiday our penises ever invented, I have taken the liberty of assembling a list of ten films that liberate a man from his crotch-demon by the most savage means possible. Enjoy.
Pulp Fiction - There is probably nothing scarier then being locked inside of a basement getting anally jammed by two rednecks. That is, unless you're the two rednecks and you're anally banging Ving Rhames who has just gotten loose and wielding a shotgun. Seeing a man have his crotch replaced by a giant empty hole is one thing, but not as scary as what we know is going to happen when the camera cuts away. What really makes this scene effective is the mental visual of two hard pipe hitting brothers getting medieval on that hole with a pair of pliers and blowtorch.
Dolemite - This scene isn't necessarily great because of its graphic nature, it's just great because it's great. Dolemite shoots at a man's feet to make him dance, calls him a honkey, then allows one of his hookers to finish the man off with a razor blade cutting off his pecker. The whole time Dolemite just laughs as if it is another day at the office. Classic.
Last House On The Left - Biting off your lover's manhood at the moment he is most vulnerable to you is the ultimate revenge for any female. Honestly, I am surprised this doesn't happen more often. I know I am not the only guy who has ever worried about this happening, or am I?
6ixtynin9 - This movie was actually the inspiration for this list. I can't seem to find the clip anywhere online nor can I find any information about this particular scene so I am going to have to go from memory. If I recall correctly, what happens is this girl's nosey neighbor believes that she is banging her boyfriend (who I think was a cop). When the neighbors' paranoia reaches capacity, she drifts off into a fantasy about castrating her boyfriend's ding-dong and then proceeds to chop it up and feed it to another woman in her salad. Gross!
Street Trash - Playing keep away with the severed dick of a hobo. It doesn't get any classier than this.
Hostel 2 - I really could have lived my whole life and been perfectly content with not seeing this guy have his jimmy chopped off and have it fed to dogs. But like a dummy, I threw down my money knowing I was gonna watch people get hacked, maimed and tortured. Guess I got what I paid for.
True Romance - I suppose there is some irony in watching a pimp get shot in the balls.
I Spit On Your Grave - The sound this guy makes after having it sliced off is priceless.
Cannibal Ferox - I'm pretty sure there is a castration scene in Cannibal Holocaust as well, but oh well, watch both of them. This movie is so beautifully repugnant that a penis castration isn't even the highlight of the film in terms of nastiness. Keep an eye out for the senseless real-life animal killings and the scene where a chick is hung by her nipples.
Teeth - This broad's snatch is made out of teeth, self-explanatory.
The Serpent And The Rainbow - This is great because there is already a slow build up with Bill Pullman tied down and tormented. Then the camera cuts to his underwear and the floor and the next thing you know his tormenter is hammering a sharp object into his penis. OUCH!!!
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